What actually makes a good life?
Not what you think should matter. Not what you were told matters.
What actually matters when you get to the end?
Harvard researchers wanted to know.
So they followed 700 people for 85 years. Through marriages and divorces. Career highs and crushing failures. Sickness and health. Joy and grief.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development is the longest research on happiness ever done.
And after nearly a century of tracking lives, the answer surprised everyone.
It wasn't the career you built.
Not the money you saved. Not even your genes or how healthy you were at 50.
The single greatest predictor of whether you'd be healthy and happy at 80 was something else entirely:
How satisfied you were in your relationships at age 50.
Not how many relationships. Not how perfect they were.
Just - how connected you felt. How supported. How seen.
"Loneliness kills. It's as powerful as smoking or alcoholism."
People who felt close to others at midlife were healthier, sharper, and happier three decades later.
People who felt lonely? They declined faster. Mentally and physically.
The study director, Dr. Robert Waldinger, put it bluntly: "Loneliness kills. It's as powerful as smoking or alcoholism."
I've been sitting with this for days.
Because I think a lot of us - myself included - spend so much time trying to optimize everything else. Our routines. Our habits. Our health markers.
But we let our relationships drift.
We think, "I'll call them next week." Or, "We'll catch up eventually."
And then months pass. Years pass.
And suddenly you realize: the people who used to know you best don't really know you anymore.
Here's what the research found:
Good relationships don't just make you happier. They protect your brain. Your memory. Your physical health.
People in strong relationships at 50 had better memory function at 80 than people with high cholesterol or low blood pressure.
Relationship satisfaction was a better health predictor than cholesterol.
Your connections literally keep you alive longer.
But here's the part that got me:
It's not about having a perfect relationship. It's about feeling like you can count on someone when things get hard.
The study found couples who bickered constantly but trusted each other deeply? They were fine. Their arguments didn't hurt their health.
It was the people in ambivalent relationships - sometimes supportive, sometimes cruel - who suffered the most. Those inconsistent connections cut deeper because you're never sure if it's safe to open up.
So what do we do with this?
I don't have all the answers. But I know this:
We treat our physical health like it matters. We should treat our relationships the same way.
Dr. Waldinger calls it "social fitness." Tiny daily actions that compound over time.
Like:
Telling someone you appreciate them when the thought crosses your mind
Reaching out to that friend you've been meaning to call
Spending real time - not distracted time - with the people you love
Asking how someone's really doing, and actually listening
It's not dramatic. It's just consistent.
The study has been running since 1938. Most of the original participants are gone now.
But what they left behind is this: a reminder that the things we think will make us happy - success, money, recognition - aren't what matter in the end.
What matters is who was there. Who you could count on. Who made you feel less alone.
I'm writing this as much for me as for you.
Because I forget this too. I get caught up in work, in my own head, in the endless to-do list.
And then I remember: none of that will matter if I let the people I love become strangers.
So here's the answer to the question:
What actually makes a good life?
Relationships. Relationships. Relationships.
Who are you going to reach out to today?